“If I’m thinking I’m probably Feeling” takes its title from, and is inspired by, a poem that my brother Neil wrote entitled Hair. The poem explores the nature of perception as conditioned by circumstance.

The animation consists of 227 8.5”x11” (oil and acrylic on paper) portraits of Neil taken from stills from a fifteen second video clip, and 227 corresponding monochromatic blue paintings on paper. The looped 35 second video, animates the 227 painted portraits, and 227 blue paintings. In the animation Neil is portrayed transitioning from a reflective, unconscious state, to a conscious awareness of the viewer; this is evidenced by the shift from an involuntary, automatic set of facial responses to a series of deliberate ones. With the awareness of the camera, comes self-consciousness about being watched. Neil is portrayed as I see him, and, with the awareness of the camera, how he desires to be seen.

The animated blue paintings act as a kind of counterbalance to the density and emotional intensity of the portraits. In both the painted images as well as the animation, the blue screens conjure a sense of absence or freedom from the confines of the physical body.

In “If I’m Thinking I’m Probably Feeling”, the camera is woven into both the process and form of the piece. The composition and dimensions of the paintings reference a digital framing of the figure. The translation of the image from video to paint allows the subtle changes in facial expression from frame to frame, largely imperceptible in real time, to become central to the reading and meaning of the project.  “If I’m Thinking I’m Probably Feeling” unravels the complexities of our relationship with the camera by examining a pivotal moment of self-awareness.